If my back injury could be a movie, It would be narrated by Ray Liotta, have the above title, and start like this:
I had been thin all my life. As awesome as that might sound to some, for me it sucked. I can't sit there and tell a a 500 pound lady that being skinny can really blow and not feel like a complete a-hole complete with a hair gel faux-hawk and an orange tan, but the fact is if you are a short guy AND you are skinny on top of that, it makes you always feel inadequate around pretty much any other dude, except maybe the guy who was Frodo in Lord of the Rings, but even he is not as scrawny as you are, you girl.
I once read an article in a magazine that was talking about indicators of success. I don't know why I was reading this particular issue of Forbes magazine or whatever. I was like sixteen at the time and should have been doing something else that was not as lame, but instead I was a big fat nerd reading a magazine for rich yuppie types, in a public library. Kill me now.
The author mentioned that in researching the article, they found that among non-obese individuals there was a direct relationship between height and/or weight to success and respect from others.
This may have totally contributed to the now glaringly obvious short-guy complex.
When I was a freshman in college, my weight was bout 110 pounds. I am five feet, six inches tall. For a long time I accepted what was handed to me by that nature (what a bitch) and used it as an excuse for being unsuccessful in life.
If my boss at work was a dude and also a moron, I told myself and other people that he only got the job because he is tall. Yes I am that crazy.
It meant that people respect you if you take up more space. As long as you are not totally fat.
When I was younger I used to skateboard, but I was terrible at it. I fell a lot and one time I hit the ground so hard I had pain shooting down my leg for weeks.
I went to a chiropractor, who treated me for a slipped disc (this is what they called disc herniations in the 1970s). That happened in 1997, but they still called it that.
I still had a big chip on my shoulder about my height, until I figured out that there was something I could do to get bigger. I could gain weight.
I have to tell you something right now: I haven't always been healthy even though I was thin.
To gain weight I went on what I called a fat diet. I was going to get fat like a sumo wrestler. I was playing bass in a punk rock band and thought it would be awesome to be a fat punk rocker. So in addition to my very punk rock diet of cigarettes, Pabst Blue Ribbon, heroin and ramen noodles I was also eating at least a pint of ice cream a day.
I didn't get fat, mostly because I puked up everything when I got high. So yeah. I gave up on the weight gain since I was no good at that and concentrated on being a drug addict, since the only thing I seemed to be good at was drugs. I was awesome at that.
When I decided to get my act cleaned up, fitness was a huge part of that. I learned how to lift weights and run and eat to fuel my body and ended up putting on 30 pounds!
For some reason, it is way easier to put on mass when you are not vomiting three times a day. It is also much easier to have teeth that are not rotted. I liked the way I felt all the time.
I like lifting weights better that skateboarding and better than pretty much every other sport or exercise I have tried. It makes me feel in control. It turns out that in addition to having a raging napoleon complex, I am a total control freak!
I loved being in the gym so much that I wanted to work in the fitness industry. I like how everyone is at the gym because they want to be the best version of themselves, and not always just on the outside. Dedication to and consistency carry over into everyday life and are behaviors of successful people. That is fact.
After I started working at the gym I put on about 10 more pounds of muscle, then I hit a wall (figuratively, that time). I needed motivation and a goal. I was just under 150 pounds and that hadn't changed in a while. I wanted at least 20 more pounds.
This past March I decided to train for a bodybuilding competition that was taking place in October. This was a thing that I could use toward my quest to put on some more muscle. I love deadlines because they make me get the work done.
From March to July I busted my ass in the gym and drank liquefied chicken breasts and put on almost 20 pounds. Some of it was body fat, which really didn't bother me because I knew I could get rid of it, right? I'm a trainer with three certifications, a support system at home and a whole lot to prove to myself.
In late June I notice it was difficult to balance on my left leg and By early July I was walking with a limp. There was pain down my left leg and in my lower back. It turns out after an MRI and a visit to a spine specialist (who tried to sell me a surgery I don't need. I will write about that d-bag later.) that I have a herniated L4-5 disc and a bulging L2-3 disc. It hurt to bend and I spent most of the summer laying on an ice pack. It was one of the hardest summers of my life. Even chilled out things like swimming and yoga aggravated my injury, so I didn't work out for over 2 months.
On top of that, when I was training my clients and it came time to show a new exercise, it bothered my back. Total gimp mode. My job sucked because it was taking cake from a fat girl. I was the fat girl and working out was my cake. I was one angry fat girl.
Unable to train with weights, I lost a lot of muscle and as body hung on to its new fat stores. Somehow I had gotten into the worst shape of my life.
By now things are getting better with my back. I have been going to an amazing chiropractor who uses mechanical traction to create a vacuum in the disc space. An that's how I got the clever name of this post, because I call that machine a disc-sucker. Not corny at all.
I am finally able to lift weights again, although I have not been cleared to run or jump or lift heavy. That's OK, I am still a beast.
As of a few weeks ago, my body fat was the highest it had ever been (17%). What was I going to do about it?
So I came up with and idea that I think is going to be very interesting.
A lot of my clients are using the
My Fitness Pal app and website to keep track of calories. I figured if I can ask you to do it, I might as well be doing it, too. We will get shredded together, like fitness pals do!
So for a little while this blog will be about my experiment with this method of accountability. If you would like to follow me on My Fitness Pal, my username is
Garyberglund. I think you might have to friend me, so don't feel weird if we haven't met, I'll still think you're creepy.
