Summer has been super hot. I have gone outside exactly three times since the last weekend of May, one of which was to cover my house in tinfoil to deflect the sun's hateful rays away from my cooccon of air-conditioned slothiness.
That is maybe a little exaggerated. But the first time I have exercised outside since May was Sunday afternoon and I was almost run over while I was riding my super-sweet road and wearing my spandex tri-suit (which is like an old-timey pair of swim trunks had a baby with a zip-up vest). God, if you are listening please don't let me die in spandex unless I wake up one day as Batman.
I must correct myself though. I have been to the pool like EVERY DAY this summer. I have lost about ten pounds from this excessive overuse of cardio, and as a result I can swim like a dolphin.
I have noticed that when I exhale underwater I am engaging my vocal cords and making this retard-screaming sound during my stroke. It's like that sound that a little kid makes when they have been crying for a while but have kind of forgotten exactly what they are crying about.
UUUUUUUUUUUUhhhh! Gulp air. UUUUUUUUUUUUUhhh!
I wonder if the other swimmers can hear me. In the lane next to me is a fat old guy with a moustache that makes him look a lot like a walrus. On the other side is a lean, very tan, man who looks about five years older than me, and he swims very fast. I want him to think I'm cool, because in my head he knows people that I need to meet. He swims like successful people do and I want to be successful like him.
UUUUUUUUUUUUhhhh! Gulp. (pay attention to proper form) UUUUUUUUUUHHhhnnhh!
My wife and I took a master swim class together last summer. She told me she could hear my retard-screaming while sharing a lane. People the next lane over can probably hear it, too. I am sure walrus-man and successful-tan-fast-swimmer-guy have heard my labored breathing and have alerted the life guards to my distress. I'm pretty sure the old ladies in the water-robics class at the other end of the pool can hear me, too. It's only a matter of time before some fourteen-year-old lifeguard tries to drag me out of the pool with one of those hook things they keep on the side.
I realize at some point that I will not drown if I don't scream underwater, so I try it. I hear bubbles. Just bubbles until I get near the end of my breath out. Then I hear a whale sound. Almost like the sound a dog makes when he's scolded. A whistle.
The only explanation for this wale whistle is that somewhere in my family tree, way back in time, off the coast of Scandinavia, a mother whale gave birth to a human-whale abomination. Which would explain why when I was a young man, a woman once looked into my eyes and told me I was most likely the Antichrist. Or maybe she was a nutcase. Whatever.
I continue by new breathing for a while until I see that my pool neighbors have left. Now that they are gone I will scream underwater in peace.
As I finish my laps, I start to think about how if I was shipwrecked would sharks be attracted to or scared of my screaming. I have read that human swimming looks like the way an injured sea creature swims, that's why sharks attack.
So I wonder to myself do I want to sound like a whale or do I want to sound vicious. Should I try to growl?
You can bet your ass the next time I meet a marine biologist I will be asking nothing but hard-hitting questions like those. Nothing but the truth.
Have a great summer.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Awesome grocery store finds
Here is some cool stuff you can find at the grocery store and how to use it.
Buchi brand kombucha (Fire flavor)- find it in the cold case at Whole Foods. Brewed with ginger and cayenne it is the most delicious kombucha I have tasted yet. Apparently two hippie ladies is Ashville, NC make it and in my opinion have mastered the craft. There is another flavor, Limited Edition or something like that, but it tastes a litle venegar-y. Stick to the spicy flavors, granola faces!
You can use kombucha as a tasty beverage. In fact, if you use it in some other way, you might not want to tell anyone about that. A few weeks ago a man started talking to me about having a coffee enema. It was weird. I kept trying to change the subject, but it was like a train wreck and there was nothing I could do.
Some people say it (kombucha, not the coffee enema) has a weight loss benefit when consumed before or during a meal. The main reason to use it is to restore balance to the digestive system, the same way you might use yogurt.
Anywhoo, here's some other stuff that is perhaps a bit underrated:
Kale
Sweet potatoes
Apples
Clementines
Tomato
Shiitake mushrooms
Goat cheese
Kefir
Coconut oil - I just found out about a coconut oil spray but have not used it.
Grapes
Blueberries
Peaches
I realize this looks like a grocery list because that's kind of what it is. Put some of these items on yours.
Buchi brand kombucha (Fire flavor)- find it in the cold case at Whole Foods. Brewed with ginger and cayenne it is the most delicious kombucha I have tasted yet. Apparently two hippie ladies is Ashville, NC make it and in my opinion have mastered the craft. There is another flavor, Limited Edition or something like that, but it tastes a litle venegar-y. Stick to the spicy flavors, granola faces!
You can use kombucha as a tasty beverage. In fact, if you use it in some other way, you might not want to tell anyone about that. A few weeks ago a man started talking to me about having a coffee enema. It was weird. I kept trying to change the subject, but it was like a train wreck and there was nothing I could do.
Some people say it (kombucha, not the coffee enema) has a weight loss benefit when consumed before or during a meal. The main reason to use it is to restore balance to the digestive system, the same way you might use yogurt.
Anywhoo, here's some other stuff that is perhaps a bit underrated:
Kale
Sweet potatoes
Apples
Clementines
Tomato
Shiitake mushrooms
Goat cheese
Kefir
Coconut oil - I just found out about a coconut oil spray but have not used it.
Grapes
Blueberries
Peaches
I realize this looks like a grocery list because that's kind of what it is. Put some of these items on yours.
Friday, June 17, 2011
What do I do with all these chicken breasts?
If you are trying to gain muscle, you already know how imprtant it is for you to have a super high protein intake. In other words, if you are not stuffing your face full of chicken breast in between breaths, you are not eating enough.
I'm not one of those people who is all "I'm SO skinny poor me you fatties have it so easy!" This is just a simple fact that if you want to gain lean mass, you have to eat the equivalent of a small village of lean meats. Although I do not recommend you actually eat a small village. For real. Don't Dahmer it up.
I was reading a sausage-meathead-fitness magazine a few months ago and there was an interview with a cop who is also a bodybuilder. He was saying that he has to work long, weird hours and that becomes a challenge when it comes to meal timing.
Since the rules are to eat every 2-3 hours no matter what, he decided to take a blender and throw some chicken breasts and water in it and make himself a smoothie for the road.
I admire that kind of determination, but that sounds totally gross. I have taken the idea and modified it. Here are 3 variations.
My wife has forbidden use of the blender (she thinks it is gross), so I use the food processor. That is what I tell her.
Post-workout chicken smoothie:
9 baked, grilled or boiled chicken breasts
3 small potatoes (microwaved or baked)
3 cups fibrous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, etc.)
Black pepper to taste
Cayenne to taste
Water (until the mixture is smooth and has the texture of a blended soup)
Put it in the food processor and hit GO.
If you are using a blender you might want to cut the chicken and potatoes and add them with the water.
My friend Ambre is a powerlifter and she told me to try a thai version chicken with peanut butter, lime juice and cilantro. I've also been reading a lot about coconut oil and the medium-chain triglycerides that are found in only two foods: coconut and human breast milk. Since I am too lazy to hit up the local Babies R Us and rob lactating women for their breast milk, I decided coconut milk is more thai anyway.
9 cooked chicken breasts
1 16 oz can Coconut milk
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/8 cup lime juice (add more to taste)
1 tbsp. Chili Paste
1/4 cup cilantro
GO.
This is not for post-workout, bcause of the high fat content. this is for when you are stuck at work and can't eat normal food. Welcome to my life.
I have one more recipe, but I am going to save that for later. I have to go lift weights now. Peace out.
I'm not one of those people who is all "I'm SO skinny poor me you fatties have it so easy!" This is just a simple fact that if you want to gain lean mass, you have to eat the equivalent of a small village of lean meats. Although I do not recommend you actually eat a small village. For real. Don't Dahmer it up.
I was reading a sausage-meathead-fitness magazine a few months ago and there was an interview with a cop who is also a bodybuilder. He was saying that he has to work long, weird hours and that becomes a challenge when it comes to meal timing.
Since the rules are to eat every 2-3 hours no matter what, he decided to take a blender and throw some chicken breasts and water in it and make himself a smoothie for the road.
I admire that kind of determination, but that sounds totally gross. I have taken the idea and modified it. Here are 3 variations.
My wife has forbidden use of the blender (she thinks it is gross), so I use the food processor. That is what I tell her.
Post-workout chicken smoothie:
9 baked, grilled or boiled chicken breasts
3 small potatoes (microwaved or baked)
3 cups fibrous vegetables (broccoli, cauliflower, etc.)
Black pepper to taste
Cayenne to taste
Water (until the mixture is smooth and has the texture of a blended soup)
Put it in the food processor and hit GO.
If you are using a blender you might want to cut the chicken and potatoes and add them with the water.
My friend Ambre is a powerlifter and she told me to try a thai version chicken with peanut butter, lime juice and cilantro. I've also been reading a lot about coconut oil and the medium-chain triglycerides that are found in only two foods: coconut and human breast milk. Since I am too lazy to hit up the local Babies R Us and rob lactating women for their breast milk, I decided coconut milk is more thai anyway.
9 cooked chicken breasts
1 16 oz can Coconut milk
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/8 cup lime juice (add more to taste)
1 tbsp. Chili Paste
1/4 cup cilantro
GO.
This is not for post-workout, bcause of the high fat content. this is for when you are stuck at work and can't eat normal food. Welcome to my life.
I have one more recipe, but I am going to save that for later. I have to go lift weights now. Peace out.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Would you like some cheese to go with your whine?
A few weeks ago I decided to cut some body fat. I cut out nighttime carbohydrates (with a few exceptions) and started circuit training. I lost 5 pounds in two weeks.
Once I could see my abs again, I decided to start adding more mass. I have been eating more and lifting heavier for a week now, and as of this morning I have gained only one pound!
Total downer.
Most people do not want to hear about how I have a hard time gaining weight. I have been told how lucky I am for this wonderful blessing and been told I have good genes blah blah blah. When I have to to listen to that kind of crap, I want to give a big thumbs down and make one of those fart noises by sticking my tongue against my lower lip and expelling air (and hopefully a little spit).
I've been skinny fat, and it sucks. Imagine you are skinny and have zero strength. Unlike a regular fat person (who builds muscle by hauling around extra weight all day, every day), the skinny fat person has nothing but skin, fat and bones held together by the rotator cuff or some other small muscle group.
The point is I will never be skinny fat again. More importantly, I will never feel weak again.I am frestrated because things are not progressing as fast as I would like.
I wish I had some awesome insight to this, but all I can say is that it sucks to be working hard and not get results as fast as I want them. I am still up 8-10 pounds, so that is good.
That's what's up. I have to go eat now.
Once I could see my abs again, I decided to start adding more mass. I have been eating more and lifting heavier for a week now, and as of this morning I have gained only one pound!
Total downer.
Most people do not want to hear about how I have a hard time gaining weight. I have been told how lucky I am for this wonderful blessing and been told I have good genes blah blah blah. When I have to to listen to that kind of crap, I want to give a big thumbs down and make one of those fart noises by sticking my tongue against my lower lip and expelling air (and hopefully a little spit).
I've been skinny fat, and it sucks. Imagine you are skinny and have zero strength. Unlike a regular fat person (who builds muscle by hauling around extra weight all day, every day), the skinny fat person has nothing but skin, fat and bones held together by the rotator cuff or some other small muscle group.
The point is I will never be skinny fat again. More importantly, I will never feel weak again.I am frestrated because things are not progressing as fast as I would like.
I wish I had some awesome insight to this, but all I can say is that it sucks to be working hard and not get results as fast as I want them. I am still up 8-10 pounds, so that is good.
That's what's up. I have to go eat now.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
What have I been up to? Oh, you know, getting huge.
March 1, 2001 wt. 150 pounds. I should have taken a before picture, but whatever. The moment for that is gone like Lindsay Lohan's career and hot-girl-next-door looks. These days she reminds me of that old crone in the Princess Bride. A total shame.
April 21, 2011 wt. 163 pounds. I have been force-feeding myself and knocking back weight gainer more frequently than one of those really annoying drunk girls knocks back shots at a party.
And much like a drunken starlet, I appreciate the compliments about my chest, why yes it is bigger than the last time you saw it, thank you for noticing!
Although bodybuilding is a total vanity sport, the coolest thing about it is how strong you get. It feels awesome to know that should I have to rescue anybody from a burning house, I don't necessarily have to use the door. I can just crash through the wall and say "Oh, yeah" like the kool-aid pitcher! How awesome is that?
So I have gained abouut 13 pounds in 7 weeks (including 2 weeks of soul-crushing setbacks). So that's really like 5 weeks. According to my very inaccurate off-the-cuff estimation (which I am doing in my head right now), that is between 1.8 and 4.4 pounds per week, depending on how you want to look at it.
So anyway, I'm getting huge. So next time you see me - bring me some food.
April 21, 2011 wt. 163 pounds. I have been force-feeding myself and knocking back weight gainer more frequently than one of those really annoying drunk girls knocks back shots at a party.
And much like a drunken starlet, I appreciate the compliments about my chest, why yes it is bigger than the last time you saw it, thank you for noticing!
Although bodybuilding is a total vanity sport, the coolest thing about it is how strong you get. It feels awesome to know that should I have to rescue anybody from a burning house, I don't necessarily have to use the door. I can just crash through the wall and say "Oh, yeah" like the kool-aid pitcher! How awesome is that?
So I have gained abouut 13 pounds in 7 weeks (including 2 weeks of soul-crushing setbacks). So that's really like 5 weeks. According to my very inaccurate off-the-cuff estimation (which I am doing in my head right now), that is between 1.8 and 4.4 pounds per week, depending on how you want to look at it.
So anyway, I'm getting huge. So next time you see me - bring me some food.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Namaste, bitches!
I have been drafting this next entry for a few weeks, to make sure it is up to my super-high standards of stellar-ness. But after realizing I haven't posted in a while I said whatever and decided to go ahead an post. So here you go, it's crap.
03/31/2011
Dear diary:
My back is healing up nicely and soon I will be back in the gym lifting weights. In the mean time I have come back to my yoga practice, which I should have never let slip in the the first place and which I vow to never neglect again.
You know that pet owner whose pet has run off for a while and when that pet comes back the owner is all teary-eyed and they have a moment (well actually just the pet owner because the pet is like "whatever, maybe you should let me pee wherever i want to next time")?
I have always believed that the universe gives you messages all the time. They don't have to be these grand ephanies about saving humankind from our own depravity and bloodlust. You don't have to bust out a oija board or tea leaves to get a sign from the universe. As much of a lame hippie cliche as this sounds like, all you have to do is listen to what life is telling you. And now you have proof that I am a big patchoolie hippie douche.
I work out like an animal. Heavy weight low reps - I love it. Plyo - totally. Functional training - in the bag. HIIT sprints at 12.0 - all day long. If I don't feel completely exhausted I keep going. I have become the definition of balls to the wall. My coworkers have started calling me by my initials followed by "the beast." for example when giving tours, my club manager introduces the trainers and he has introduced my as GB the beast several times to some sweet middle aged couples from the suburbs.
Life told me to slow down and that pissed me off, so I didn't. Then life told me again (see my previous blog entry) when my back decided to wake up with scoliosis or whatever (my back was hung over from 2002) so as far as exercise goes that leaves me with restorative (translation: super chilled-out and easy, like for silver sneakers) yoga for a little while.
But I am always pushing things and fighting, so I am doing some warrior poses along with my child's poses and cat-cows.
So now I am practicing yoga again and thinking to myself, "how is it I haven't done this since February?" In the years I have been practicing yoga it has helped me with back problems and helped me find peace on a daily basis,
I heard a really cool idea while taking a yoga class: we were working on some breathing and the teacher said something like, "In the breath we find our true selves, and our true meaning."
Every time I do breathing exercises I think about that and it is a little bit like when you wake up and don't know where you are, then after a while realize you are in your own bed.
I have been reminded that yoga is a part of who I am and that becoming distracted from something that centers you can happen very easily. It can happen to anyone, and most likely happens to everyone at some point.
I resolve to lift weights again, just as soon as my back feels good. And I also resolve to keep up my yoga practice no matter how obsessed with gaining muscle I become. What is going to happen is I will still be a beast, but a peaceful beast.
So I have one thing to say and one thing only:
Namaste, bitches!
03/31/2011
Dear diary:
My back is healing up nicely and soon I will be back in the gym lifting weights. In the mean time I have come back to my yoga practice, which I should have never let slip in the the first place and which I vow to never neglect again.
You know that pet owner whose pet has run off for a while and when that pet comes back the owner is all teary-eyed and they have a moment (well actually just the pet owner because the pet is like "whatever, maybe you should let me pee wherever i want to next time")?
I have always believed that the universe gives you messages all the time. They don't have to be these grand ephanies about saving humankind from our own depravity and bloodlust. You don't have to bust out a oija board or tea leaves to get a sign from the universe. As much of a lame hippie cliche as this sounds like, all you have to do is listen to what life is telling you. And now you have proof that I am a big patchoolie hippie douche.
I work out like an animal. Heavy weight low reps - I love it. Plyo - totally. Functional training - in the bag. HIIT sprints at 12.0 - all day long. If I don't feel completely exhausted I keep going. I have become the definition of balls to the wall. My coworkers have started calling me by my initials followed by "the beast." for example when giving tours, my club manager introduces the trainers and he has introduced my as GB the beast several times to some sweet middle aged couples from the suburbs.
Life told me to slow down and that pissed me off, so I didn't. Then life told me again (see my previous blog entry) when my back decided to wake up with scoliosis or whatever (my back was hung over from 2002) so as far as exercise goes that leaves me with restorative (translation: super chilled-out and easy, like for silver sneakers) yoga for a little while.
But I am always pushing things and fighting, so I am doing some warrior poses along with my child's poses and cat-cows.
So now I am practicing yoga again and thinking to myself, "how is it I haven't done this since February?" In the years I have been practicing yoga it has helped me with back problems and helped me find peace on a daily basis,
I heard a really cool idea while taking a yoga class: we were working on some breathing and the teacher said something like, "In the breath we find our true selves, and our true meaning."
Every time I do breathing exercises I think about that and it is a little bit like when you wake up and don't know where you are, then after a while realize you are in your own bed.
I have been reminded that yoga is a part of who I am and that becoming distracted from something that centers you can happen very easily. It can happen to anyone, and most likely happens to everyone at some point.
I resolve to lift weights again, just as soon as my back feels good. And I also resolve to keep up my yoga practice no matter how obsessed with gaining muscle I become. What is going to happen is I will still be a beast, but a peaceful beast.
So I have one thing to say and one thing only:
Namaste, bitches!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
The crap week (or two)
It seems that among awesomeness there is always some crap. Think of a band you you love. I bet there is a crap song or two, or somebody in the band that is a weak link.
Let's use Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground as an example. I loved Velvet Underground, but there are some crap moments in there, like when Nico would sing. She opened her beautiful Swedish mouth and some crap fell out. To be exact: I can't stand the way she indefinitely prolongs the "s" sound. Otherwise I me and Nico are cool.
Another Example is the LP I Think We're Alone Now by Tommy James and the Shondells. Although it is filled with syrupy 60s pop (which I love), there are a few tracks that are just gross. I literally run across the house to pick up the needle and move it when Let's be lovers comes on. I hate the bassline and the lyrics. That song can pretty much go to hell.
Which proves my point that within every solid album or band there are a few things that suck.
Speaking of downers, I have had some setbacks to my goal of being totally jacked by the October deadline for this bodybuilding thing. I am hoping to weigh another 20 pound by then, but things are looking difficult.
A few weeks back I had some knee pain and figured I should go get it checked out. I found out I have tight IT bands that are pulling my kneecaps to the outside edges of my knees. Physical therapy exercises - done.
by the way, if you are having IT band problems, don't buy chicken tenderloins because when you cook them and then try to eat them you have to remove the IT band while you do and that is really wierd. It made my knees feel like jello being scraped down a chalkboard (does that work?) during meals.
Then I got some kind of bug and lost 3 of the 4 pound I had eaten all those chicken tenderloins for.
At the doctor they gave me a prescription for some antibiotics for hydrocodone (LOR-TAB). And they were generous with it too. I decided not to get the Lor-Tab prescription filled since I am not a junkie or a wuss.
Ironically, you used to have to get a prescription for aspirin while heroin was an over-the-counter drug. Fact.
Welcome to Baptist minor medical center have some Lor-Tab! They should just put it in a candy bowl up front.
At least I was still up one pound. As soon as I got better I hit the weights in addition to doing my physical therapy exercises. No big deal, I'm just awesome, that's all.
I must have been putting some kind of cocky asshole energy out there or something because a few days later I woke up pretty much paralyzed with back pain and muscle spasms sent to me from satan himself.
It was like the unverse was saying, "HAHA you are going to be a short little bastard until you DIE!!!!"
Has your back ever hurt so bad it hurt to breathe? It was like that. I considered getting that Lor-Tab prescription filled.
My regular chiropractor was not in the office that day, so I went to this quack chiropractor who started obsessing over my neck and I had to remind him my back was the problem. then he told me my muscles were full of poison and that I needed to heat my back to let the poison leach out, which is the last thing you should do to an inflamed area. I think he just wanted me to re-injure myself so I would be back soon.
But just to be clear, I will not be back. I will be going to my regular chiropractor who plays music from his amazing record collection and there is a dog running through the office.
So that is what happened the past couple weeks. Right there in the middle of a life that I really enjoy there is a crap week (or two). It is Newton's Law. Things eventually go back in the right direction.
Universe: I am ready for some more awesome. And I will get that 20 pounds.
Let's use Lou Reed and the Velvet Underground as an example. I loved Velvet Underground, but there are some crap moments in there, like when Nico would sing. She opened her beautiful Swedish mouth and some crap fell out. To be exact: I can't stand the way she indefinitely prolongs the "s" sound. Otherwise I me and Nico are cool.
Another Example is the LP I Think We're Alone Now by Tommy James and the Shondells. Although it is filled with syrupy 60s pop (which I love), there are a few tracks that are just gross. I literally run across the house to pick up the needle and move it when Let's be lovers comes on. I hate the bassline and the lyrics. That song can pretty much go to hell.
Which proves my point that within every solid album or band there are a few things that suck.
Speaking of downers, I have had some setbacks to my goal of being totally jacked by the October deadline for this bodybuilding thing. I am hoping to weigh another 20 pound by then, but things are looking difficult.
A few weeks back I had some knee pain and figured I should go get it checked out. I found out I have tight IT bands that are pulling my kneecaps to the outside edges of my knees. Physical therapy exercises - done.
by the way, if you are having IT band problems, don't buy chicken tenderloins because when you cook them and then try to eat them you have to remove the IT band while you do and that is really wierd. It made my knees feel like jello being scraped down a chalkboard (does that work?) during meals.
Then I got some kind of bug and lost 3 of the 4 pound I had eaten all those chicken tenderloins for.
At the doctor they gave me a prescription for some antibiotics for hydrocodone (LOR-TAB). And they were generous with it too. I decided not to get the Lor-Tab prescription filled since I am not a junkie or a wuss.
Ironically, you used to have to get a prescription for aspirin while heroin was an over-the-counter drug. Fact.
Welcome to Baptist minor medical center have some Lor-Tab! They should just put it in a candy bowl up front.
At least I was still up one pound. As soon as I got better I hit the weights in addition to doing my physical therapy exercises. No big deal, I'm just awesome, that's all.
I must have been putting some kind of cocky asshole energy out there or something because a few days later I woke up pretty much paralyzed with back pain and muscle spasms sent to me from satan himself.
It was like the unverse was saying, "HAHA you are going to be a short little bastard until you DIE!!!!"
Has your back ever hurt so bad it hurt to breathe? It was like that. I considered getting that Lor-Tab prescription filled.
My regular chiropractor was not in the office that day, so I went to this quack chiropractor who started obsessing over my neck and I had to remind him my back was the problem. then he told me my muscles were full of poison and that I needed to heat my back to let the poison leach out, which is the last thing you should do to an inflamed area. I think he just wanted me to re-injure myself so I would be back soon.
But just to be clear, I will not be back. I will be going to my regular chiropractor who plays music from his amazing record collection and there is a dog running through the office.
So that is what happened the past couple weeks. Right there in the middle of a life that I really enjoy there is a crap week (or two). It is Newton's Law. Things eventually go back in the right direction.
Universe: I am ready for some more awesome. And I will get that 20 pounds.
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