Brussels Sprouts to Bacon: "I'm leaving you."

Now that bacon made Brussels sprouts cool, everybody and their hipster mom are eating them at trendy restaurants. But what if you don't have time or bacon to make them the new, cool way? Hold on to your handlebar mustache (and push your thick-rimmed glasses up your nose, passively showing off your cool outline-of-an-arrow forearm tatto) this recipe's for you. And it's damn tasty!

Ingredients

1 pound Brussels sprouts

1/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes, chopped

1/4 tsp or salt to taste

1 tbsp. ghee or coconut oil

1/2 teaspoon sage, chopped, crumbled, powdered or however you like.

Chop the butts off your Brussels sprouts.

Next, begin preheating a large skillet on the range at medium heat.

In a Cuisinart with the slicer blade, slice the Brussels sprouts. If you don't have a Cuisinart food processor, get married. People give you stuff. If you are already married but without the right kitchen stuff, how are all the crystal vases working out for you?

Add the ghee or coconut oil to the pan. When it is melted, add the Brussels sprouts.

Stir occasionally. When the color starts getting a little brighter, stir in the sun-dried tomatoes and sage. Salt at the very end of cooking, when the bright green color has started to fade a little. The Brussels sprouts should be tender and ready to be plated.

Enjoy your new life, Brussels sprouts. Bacon is delicious, but also kind of a douche.

Green smoothie with a kick in the pants

I'm not going to be wordy today, but here's a high-protein green smoothie that tastes halfway decent without using a crap-ton of fruit.

8 oz. flax milk

4-5 ice cubes

1 cup frozen organic kale

2 scoops vanilla Dairy Free FastFuel or 1 scoop Vega One

1 tsp. spirulina

1 tsp. Bragg's apple cider vinegar

1/4 cup sunflower seeds or hemp hearts

1 tsp. maca root

Blend. 

Drink and enjoy the fact that you have added protein, nutrients, and a hormonal boost to your day.

Meat Loaf: a memoir and a recipe

Meatloaf used to make me think about church potlucks, where some people bring foods that  they think should be in your belly. As a preacher's kid, I have forgotten more potluck dinners than you'll ever go to, but one thing I'll never forget is how much I hated meatloaf. As a PK, your job is to be diplomatic, and you literally feel the eyes of the congregation on your every move. I'm sure this was all in my head, but at potlucks I would feel like I had to try some of everything - at least the first time I saw it. So as you can imagine, I ate a lot of things, some strange and gross, some incredibly delicious. A good potluck would have a selection that ranged from Jell-O infused with God-knows-what to casseroles (there were so, so many of those) to fresh salmon plucked from a nearby river (amazeballs). But every potluck would invariably have a meatloaf.

Depending on the recipe and the execution, meatloaf can be quite delicious. But this was not usually the case. Most of the time, I would smell the melted ketchup on the top from halfway down the smorgasbord, mixed with the bland overtones of the dry beef/breadcrumb lump festering below the caramelized corn-syrup-tomato chimaera.

When there was no potluck at church, most Sundays our family would go to church member's houses for lunch. Sometimes people would surprise us by cooking something that was really delicious, but most of the time it was either a bucket KFC or a bland meat loaf with boring sides like slimy canned green beans and creamed corn. Oh, and boxed mashed potatoes. I remember hinting to my parents that I might kill myself at the dinner table at a church members house if a meat loaf were brought out as the entree to Sunday dinner. My brother, sister and I made games out of making fictitious church potluck recipes, guessing what was for lunch or which dishes we would see at the potluck. It must be true what they say about preacher's kids, but I wouldn't really know because everyone who has ever uttered that phrase in my presence just left it at that or said "Oh, you know." I think they meant we are all cynical assholes who make fun of people's food.

I don't know what possessed me to make a meatloaf in my late 20s, after years of shunning it like our congregation shunned members who were not following the rules. Actually, now that I think about it, it was my yoga practice that made me reconsider my belief in meatloaf like an agnostic having some sort of acid-trip epiphany about God actually being everywhere and everything all at the same time. During nap time at the end of class, I started thinking about practical, hearty recipes for protein. It made sense to make a meat loaf, but not like those gross church potluck abominations. I was happy the yoga teacher could not hear my thoughts, because my brain was supposed to be empty right then. But with a few changes, I thought, meatloaf might not be so bad.

Meat loaf with tomato-balsamic crust

Meat loaf

1 pound beef - let it get to room temperature if you don't want to hate your life

1/4 cup flaxseed

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 tsp red pepper flakes (more if you like to live a little)

1/2 cup diced zucchini (if you're classy you can sauté it)

1/2 cup diced bell pepper (you can sauté this, too)

1/2 cup diced onion (same thing, Liberace)

1 oven preheated to 400 f

Throw the beef, flaxseed, salt and crushed red pepper in a bowl. Smash everything together with your hands like a Neanderthal. Add the other stuff and smash some more. 

Put in the oven and cook for 35-45 minutes or to and internal temperature of 155.

While it is cooking, make the topping

Tomato-balsamic crust

1/4 cup balsamic vinegar

1/4 cup sun-dried tomatoes

Begin reducing the balsamic vinegar in a saucepan over low heat. Purée the tomatoes and add them to the vinegar stir for a few minutes until the tomatoes have soaked up a little moisture from the vinegar. Set aside.

When the meat loaf is ready, brush the tomato-balsamic paste on top. Broil on high for 2-3 minutes until the top is slightly caramelized. 

Let it sit and cool for about 5 minutes before you start cutting into it.

This guy.

WTF is a CSA?

What if you had a garden that grew seasonal vegetables that picked themselves? What if you had chickens that laid and packed their eggs for you? What if your animals butchered themselves for you? They'd be suicidal, I guess, but very conveniently so.

All the stuff I just described is a CSA, short for Community Supported Agriculture. The name says it all, with focus on local and seasonal foods, responsible growing practices, and an involved community looking to improve their health and well-being.

Isn't it a lot like having someone do your shopping? Slow your roll, fancypants! CSAs are not for the pampered and spoiled. The person doing your shopping is Mother Nature, and you get what you get, no bitching allowed.

Depending on the provider, CSAs come in many forms; dairy, meat, produce and combinations. Payment schedules vary, depending on the provider, but it is usually something you can subscribe to, like a wine-of-the-month club but healthier.

This is what a CSA looks like this week (this is actually 2 CSAs). This CSA is from Roots Memphis. 

In each of the bags is the following:

Spring mix for salads

1 head of lettuce

Sprouts

Oregano

1 bunch Russian kale

1 bunch collard greens

Before you are all like "what do I look like, a rabbit," keep in mind that everything is what's in season, so you probably won't get all that lettuce in the hot months. Here I would like to point out that nature intended nutrition to be cyclical and periodized, just like a good training program. If you eat the same things all the time, nutrient deficiencies can happen, and food sensitivities can develop in some cases. Trust me on this, you don't want either.

People sometimes assume that a CSA costs an arm and a leg. Not so, you will actually SAVE money by doing some of your grocery shopping this way, as long as you are not wasteful with what you get. Be sure to pickle or can extra veggies and cure or freeze meats that don't get used.

You can find out more about CSAs by visiting the farmers market (or doing an Internet search, duh). Below are a few links for Memphis CSAs.

http://www.westwindfarms.com/c-56-csas.aspx

http://www.rootsmemphis.org/product/summer-csa/

http://bringitfoodhub.com

http://www.truevinefarms.com/

http://www.whittonfarms.com

http://deltasolfarm.com

http://www.farmatfalconridge.com/market-at-falcon-ridge/csa/

http://farmtruckorganics.com

http://sweetgrassmemphis.com/csa/

Holy Balls Chili

This is a text from my wife.

Here's the recipe:

1 lb. ground beef

1 lb. ground turkey

4 pieces of bacon, chopped

45 oz. black beans, can or hydrated

30 oz. chopped tomatoes with diced chiles (like the kind from a can)

4 small zucchini, chopped

24 oz okra

1/2 onion, chopped

1-1/2 bell peppers, chopped

1 T chili powder

1 T Chesapeake bay spices

1 tsp sea salt

1/2 tsp red pepper flakes

Brown all the meat, adding spices at the end of browning. Next, set your slow cooker for 8 hours. You know what to do after that. 

Too Soon For an Ebola Joke?

This is the text from an email I sent my coworkers. It turned into more of a writing project than I thought it would, so I thought, "Hey, I haven't written on my blog in a while, I think il post it there." Boom. So here you go. 

---x---

Hi everybody,

I had an awesome time in Italy. I learned a lot about why Europe has such a lower rate of diabetes and other lifestyle-related diseases, despite most people not giving two craps about whether or not something has gluten or sugar in it. I also learned something about the bread in Italy that makes a big difference when it comes to gut health. I can't wait to tell you all about it!

On the airplane home, I sat next to a really annoying lady who started talking to me even though I was trying to watch like five movies back to back. So that was fun. I got so obsessed with trying to finish my Seth Rogen movie marathon that I forgot to shut off the recycled air jet thing that one can only assume is put there to spray viruses and other nasty pathogens in your face under the guise of keeping you cool. I will admit it felt nice to have a cool breeze cutting through  the tepid thickness of the cabin air full of strangers' hot farts as we flew over the Atlantic for what seemed like an eternity. But now I am paying for it.

Thursday I had a sore throat and runny nose. Seems like a 1-day thing, right? I kept flashing back a few days to a gritty street in Naples, where I vividly remember seeing a man sneeze in what seemed like slow motion. I could see the cloud of water droplets swirl outward from his scrunched-up old-man-sneeze-face, and Elizabeth cringed as spit-water droplets fell on her arm. I have no idea what Italians say to someone who has just sneezed, and I did not say "bless you," as I would to someone who actually speaks English. Looks like karma didn't like that.

Friday, I felt a little better, so I went out to eat with my wife and her parents at the Elegant Farmer. During dinner my nose started running, and I feared for the safety of my deviled eggs and family. I ran to the bathroom every five minutes to evacuate my nasal passages, but I'm sure it just looked like I had the green apple quick-steps to the room full of socially-conscious east Memphians (who no doubt had well-developed palates) who were also eating there that night. A well-dressed woman sniffed her glass of wine as if to taunt my inability to smell, as I walked by her table on what must have been my eleventh trip to the bathroom.

Saturday, I felt so much worse, which chest congestion making me wonder if pneumonia could happen that fast, or maybe it was just the flu. A hemorrhagic flu. I started to think about that crazy nurse woman from Maine who, after visiting West Africa to treat Ebola patients, refused quarantine! The hubris of me!

Elizabeth made me take cough syrup after I refused to use the Neti pot. If you don't already know about Neti pots, imagine pouring salt water up your nose and then watching all the funk come out. Didn't seem fun in that moment. Although I usually steer clear of Western Medicine, I sipped that sizzerp like I was Three 6 Mafia. Or maybe I chugged it like Miley Cyrus when she thinks her dad is looking. I feel much better now, and it would be safe to assume that what I'm writing now is powered by cough syrup.

I'm back at work tomorrow, because if I'm not better after 5 days of jet-lag-induced yuck, there is something seriously wrong and you better call the Ebola police. Thankfully my sessions are light and it's more phone calls and emails than anything else. So if you don't see me much tomorrow, chances are I'll be in an office drinking cough syrup and sending insane emails. 

- GB

P.S.

I don't have Ebola.

Probiotic FAQ + DIY Kombucha #fixyourleakygut

Probiotics are the blushing starlet of the holistic health world right now. Why? Duh, because they're sexy. Well, not really, but it's easier to feel your best when your bowels work correctly. It's because they are awesome. Ever have indigestion (or rip a loud, juicy fart) at an inopportune time? Although your digestion is technically working, it really isn't supposed to do that.

New research is pointing to the benefits of probiotic foods and supplements. Some of these benefits include relief of Autism Spectrum Disorder symptoms and leaky gut, improved metabolism, as well as decreased bloating, cramping and constipation during digestion. 

Probiotics are living organisms that live in the digestive system. There are hundreds of species, and certain ones help actually produce essential nutrients, while others boost immune function by controlling harmful bacteria.

When people think of probiotic foods, we usually go straight to yogurt and then zone out. Other probiotic-rich foods include sauerkraut, tempeh, miso, pickles, yogurt, kefir (pronounced keff-ear, not like the first name of the star of the television series, 24), and kombucha. 

Things like heat and exposure to light and certain metals kill the probiotic cultures, so even though probiotics can occur in some of these foods, not all of the above are probiotic all of the time. For example, many pickles are heated and/or pickled with vinegar, which kills good bacteria with the bad. Also, many yogurts are heated and pasteurized, which pretty much wipes out the entire population of good bacteria. Even for those who eat probiotic foods every day, it's always a good idea to take a high-quality probiotic supplement to round out the roster of cultures in the digestive tract. Diversity is a good thing.

Kombucha is full of cultures that rebalance digestion, support detoxification and help the body regulate blood sugar. No kidding. I really don't want to get science-y here, but there is a ton of info out there on kombucha's benefits. Try Wikipedia first. 

Most probiotic-rich foods are so easy to make that anyone can and should try at least making some of the simpler recipes (the easiest by far is kimchi).

For the past 4 years, our home has been a kombucha-shiner's den, with bottles, mason jars, cane sugar and organic green tea becoming pantry staples. The process is easy, with the only drawback being the jelly-fish-like SCOBY culture that floats in the brew and causes the tea-sugar mixture to ferment into the what tastes like the effervescent love-child of champagne and sweet tea. That and when people ask what's up with the big jar or horse urine on the countertop (I tell 'em "don't worry about it").

If you live where I live (Memphis), booch can be gotten by the bottle in places like Otherlands and Cosmic Coconut. Many mainstream grocery stores carry kombucha - Whole Foods, Fresh Market, and even Kroger all sell it. FYI: Kroger will rape you on the price, up to $1.50 more per bottle than WF. 

The best thing to do is make it at home, which works really well until you get lazy and decide to not make it. It's really easy, here's a play-by-play:

1. Fill a Dutch oven with water and dump in 1-1/2 cups of unrefined sugar.

2. Bring it to a boil, stir, then cut off the heat.

3. Throw in 8 bags of green tea. Steep for 15 minutes or so. Make a joke about tea-bagging - you know, because you're funny like that.

4. Remove the tea bags and let everything cool to room temperature. You will probably chuckle thinking about the tea-bagging joke you just told yourself. Or maybe not because you don't think anything is funny anymore because it's all just so played-out. #boredwithlife #hipsters #wingnuts #robot

5. Pour into a giant glass container, add kombucha starter bottle or SCOBY. Cover with a paper towel and hold in place with a rubber band. Kind of like castrating a bull, but not really. At all. Just another opportunity to keep the third-grade humor going.

6. Let the mixture ferment for about a week. The time it takes really varies, so you will need to taste-test your brew to get the flavor just right. When it is ready, bottle it up. You can add juices to it at this stage for the second ferment. After a few days to a week, your kombucha will be fizzy and (unless you royally screwed up) delicious.

FYI don't use square bottles. They will randomly shatter. Science, yo.

Enjoy your brewing.