Thursday, April 21, 2011

What have I been up to? Oh, you know, getting huge.

March 1, 2001 wt. 150 pounds. I should have taken a before picture, but whatever. The moment for that is gone like Lindsay Lohan's career and hot-girl-next-door looks. These days she reminds me of that old crone in the Princess Bride. A total shame.

April 21, 2011 wt. 163 pounds. I have been force-feeding myself and knocking back weight gainer more frequently than one of those really annoying drunk girls knocks back shots at a party.

And much like a drunken starlet, I appreciate the compliments about my chest, why yes it is bigger than the last time you saw it, thank you for noticing!

Although bodybuilding is a total vanity sport, the coolest thing about it is how strong you get. It feels awesome to know that should I have to rescue anybody from a burning house, I don't necessarily have to use the door. I can just crash through the wall and say "Oh, yeah" like the kool-aid pitcher! How awesome is that?

So I have gained abouut 13 pounds in 7 weeks (including 2 weeks of soul-crushing setbacks). So that's really like 5 weeks. According to my very inaccurate off-the-cuff estimation (which I am doing in my head right now), that is between 1.8 and 4.4 pounds per week, depending on how you want to look at it.

So anyway, I'm getting huge. So next time you see me - bring me some food.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Namaste, bitches!

I have been drafting this next entry for a few weeks, to make sure it is up to my super-high standards of stellar-ness. But after realizing I haven't posted in a while I said whatever and decided to go ahead an post. So here you go, it's crap.

03/31/2011
Dear diary:

My back is healing up nicely and soon I will be back in the gym lifting weights. In the mean time I have come back to my yoga practice, which I should have never let slip in the the first place and which I vow to never neglect again.

You know that pet owner whose pet has run off for a while and when that pet comes back the owner is all teary-eyed and they have a moment (well actually just the pet owner because the pet is like "whatever, maybe you should let me pee wherever i want to next time")?

I have always believed that the universe gives you messages all the time. They don't have to be these grand ephanies about saving humankind from our own depravity and bloodlust. You don't have to bust out a oija board or tea leaves to get a sign from the universe. As much of a lame hippie cliche as this sounds like, all you have to do is listen to what life is telling you. And now you have proof that I am a big patchoolie hippie douche.

I work out like an animal. Heavy weight low reps - I love it. Plyo - totally. Functional training - in the bag. HIIT sprints at 12.0 - all day long. If I don't feel completely exhausted I keep going. I have become the definition of balls to the wall. My coworkers have started calling me by my initials followed by "the beast." for example when giving tours, my club manager introduces the trainers and he has introduced my as GB the beast several times to some sweet middle aged couples from the suburbs.

Life told me to slow down and that pissed me off, so I didn't. Then life told me again (see my previous blog entry) when my back decided to wake up with scoliosis or whatever (my back was hung over from 2002) so as far as exercise goes that leaves me with restorative (translation: super chilled-out and easy, like for silver sneakers) yoga for a little while.

But I am always pushing things and fighting, so I am doing some warrior poses along with my child's poses and cat-cows.

So now I am practicing yoga again and thinking to myself, "how is it I haven't done this since February?" In the years I have been practicing yoga it has helped me with back problems and helped me find peace on a daily basis,

I heard a really cool idea while taking a yoga class: we were working on some breathing and the teacher said something like, "In the breath we find our true selves, and our true meaning."

Every time I do breathing exercises I think about that and it is a little bit like when you wake up and don't know where you are, then after a while realize you are in your own bed.

I have been reminded that yoga is a part of who I am and that becoming distracted from something that centers you can happen very easily. It can happen to anyone, and most likely happens to everyone at some point.

I resolve to lift weights again, just as soon as my back feels good. And I also resolve to keep up my yoga practice no matter how obsessed with gaining muscle I become. What is going to happen is I will still be a beast, but a peaceful beast.

So I have one thing to say and one thing only:

Namaste, bitches!